Coaches Corner with The Conquering Coach

Dealing With Difficult People? Solutions For YOU!

By: Coach Da-Nay Macklin BS,CCLC

You Cannot Conquer What You Will Not Confront!

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could pick our family like we pick our friends?  Or what if we could pick our co-workers?  How exciting of a world it would be if we could hand pick every individual that we wanted in our immediate circle of life…nice, right?  Alright wake up and stop dreaming!

All too often we are required to interact with difficult people in our lives on a semi to regular basis. Some of us work with co-workers who are cranky and hostile. Some of us have to deal with adolescents or seniors who may be irritated with the restrictions of their stage in life and who are quite difficult because of it. We have emotional dealings with our mates and friends that are uncomfortable at times that cause us some level of difficulty because of such situations. Managing each of these different and difficult situations warrants a different approach.  The approach is based on your relationship with the person and their personality type. Life has shown me a few tips and tricks that I would like to share with you!  You can become skilled at these right now to use in your dealings with difficult people to make your life easier.  Below are some tips & tricks that keep me sane:

1. Get to KNOW yourself. The more you KNOW you, then the less likely it is that you’re going to react instead of responding to the negative people in your life.

2. Study problem people before the problem. Typically when you are interacting with the same difficult people time after time, you are able to identify patterns or sign’s that indicates a potential problem.  This allows you to plan the best way to handle the situation in advance.

3. Reject participation. One person can’t argue alone (or maybe they can-humor intended!) as it requires two people to keep an argument going.  Discovering you can disengage from an argumentative situation will be a great tip for many of the difficult times yet to encounter.

4. Smile generously. Who cares if it annoys some people?  You can’t make everyone happy as you may have discovered already.  So smile and be happy as majority of people are going to find it difficult to be difficult to you…so smile!

5. Pick and choose your battles. As life happens you are going to engage in disagreements with difficult people periodically but be smart about picking your battles.  This allows for you to only get into heated situations when it’s actually worth it to you and you have decided to respond NOT react.

6. Recognize and respect differences. Let’s face it we are all different to some respect, and respect is the key.  Several issues that may occur regarding difficult people stem from differences in how we were raised, our beliefs and values, and certainly communication styles.  Recognize these differences and respect individuality.  Appreciate your own uniqueness.

7. Establish healthy boundaries. At an early age were taught the “golden rule” to respect others, at the same time, one must demand the same level of respect.  Creating healthy boundaries helps to ensure respect is given in all scenarios, and it keeps people from infringing upon you unjustly.

8.  Walk in their shoes.  Put yourself into their shoes and see what’s causing them to take steps to be so spiteful.  Having insight into the emotions behind the difficulty will lighten your heart in an effort to be more understanding of others.

9. Decline being defensive. Various things come across as someone being difficult but really it is more neutral than imagined.  Human nature is to take these things personally then blow them out of proportion. Don’t assume their problem has to do with you; unless you’re informed otherwise.

10. Emotional check-up. When is the last time you had an emotional check-up?  Stop and check in with you!  Find out what’s going on internally with you as you begin to interact with difficult people. Don’t react but rather respond.  Instead, make time to journal and/or process what exactly is going on with you.  Then you are able to approach them in a more calm nature.

11. Communication 101. The more improved our skill set is at articulating what’s going on individually, the easier it becomes to communicate our requests to these difficult people.

12. Avoid your highway mentality.  It is no longer your way or the highway!  Do not take for granted that your way is the right way. Perhaps you have come up with a great solution, remain open to the options of others while considering their input.

13. “Break” away.  Let’s face it, sometimes there may not be an easy resolution to an immediate situation with a difficult person.  However, take a break and walk away from the situation.  At this point you can at least get a break from the intensity of the situation.

14. Gone grudges. Poof, grudges be gone!  Far too often, we cling to grudges toward the people that have been difficult in our past; which in return makes it that much harder to move on to a better relationship with them in the future.  Forgive and let go; work from this point onward.

Life lessons have taught and made me aware that you are not going to make everyone happy!  On the other hand, you can make yourself happy by working on yourself–becoming self-aware, tapping into your kindness, and shielding your positive being.  As a result of this, you may find yourself helping difficult people by promoting a sense of agreement within yourself that their negativity can’t penetrate.  “Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy

Coaches Corner with The Conquering Coach

Are you “Puzzled” By Past Deeds dictating your future?

By: Coach Da-Nay Macklin BS,CCLC

You Cannot Conquer What You Will Not Confront!
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful little princess named Makayla who feared Monsters. Makayla happens to be my little princess daughter who developed the F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real) of “monsters”. She was afraid to open her closet at night in fear the “monster” would get her. After speaking with her pediatrician we learned the following. In her head, a monster is a real something, that intends to harm her or loved ones. Kids create monsters because of their personal experiences that show them how people can behave in a painful manner toward one another. After explaining pretend vs. reality, she and I stood head on to confront that scary monster hiding in her closet. I’m happy to say, she has conquered her fear! Perhaps you and many other people are just like my daughter. Has someone or something in your past caused you pain? Have you locked away painful experiences in your closet of life? Has the time come for you to confront the lurking “monster(s)” in your closet? Ask yourself this powerful question; am I ready and willing to conqueror my closet monsters?
It is truly my belief and passion in life that YOU are more than a conqueror whether you realize it or not…yet! What exactly does it mean to conquer? What is your personal definition? An online definition reads: To overcome or surmount by physical, mental, or moral force. In plain terms I agree with this definition. As for me, to be more than a conqueror you must first start with conquering yourself before conquering the world. “It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell” – Buddha.
I absolutely love the above quote! Conquering oneself is about establishing an inner victory. The key to living a victorious life is to live as an over comer. Life gives us plenty to overcome that our past is only one piece of the puzzle. Life is just one enormous puzzle that we must figure out. The world’s largest jigsaw puzzle weighs 42 pounds and is composed of 32,256 pieces. Seems rather large, right? Well take a minute to think, how much weight are you carrying from your past? I’m certain it weighs more than 42 pounds! How many pieces of the puzzle have contributed to your past and where you are in the present? Life is just one enormous puzzle that we must figure out. The world’s largest jigsaw puzzle weighs 42 pounds and is composed of 32,256 pieces. Seems rather large, right? Well take a minute to think, how much weight are you carrying from your past into the present and potentially into your future? I bet it weighs more than 42 pounds! How many pieces of the puzzle have contributed to your past and where you are in the present?
Growing up my mother enjoyed putting together puzzles. As a child she would invite me to sit alongside of her and join in the “fun”. Fun in the sense of I really took pleasure in putting the puzzle together. Although it was quite testing at times, it was an obstacle to conquer! I would celebrate the little success in rejoicing at finding a piece that fit, it was awfully rewarding.

While reflecting on this childhood experience it showed several similarities between puzzles and life. Every puzzle piece plays such a critical part in the big picture. In our lives, it is people and events that play the critical parts. As with pieces in a puzzle, each one of us is so unique and special in our own way. On the surface we may appear alike, but there are no two alike just look at our fingerprints. Maybe as luck would have it, it is our differences that make us fit.

Sometimes as I would work on these puzzles, there was always that one piece that I just knew belonged in a certain spot. Even though it did not fit and would not fit as long as I would keep trying to make it fit, forgetting that I tried it previously. Perhaps I had it set in my mind that I felt it belonged there and was going to make it fit somewhere it did not belong. Are you “guilty” in the same sense like me? Trying to make things happen that just were not meant to be. I would try over and over again to the point of forcing it, but it simply was not meant to be and absolutely nothing I did changed that puzzle piece.

If you have ever done a puzzle then you will know what it is like to spend so much time looking for one very specific puzzle piece. In my mind I really thought I knew what it looked like, but as you may know looks can be deceiving…everything that glitters is not gold! Even though it appeared to be so obvious…I just could not find it. How could I allow myself to become so wrapped up into finding that one piece that I couldn’t see beyond it? Sometimes we just needed to step away from similar situations in life. Sure enough after becoming irritated, I decided to simply step away from it for a while. Upon return it was discovered right away as it had been in front of me the whole time!
Life has been comparable for me throughout the years. Always trying to justify why things happen the way they do. High and low I have searched for answers when all too often I find the answers right in front of me. As my mother would say, “if it was a snake it would have bite you” It is only when I allow myself to take time out and just stop, then reflect and breathe then ultimately make the decision to just let it go – that the answers always seem to find me in any situation. Life is just one big puzzle if you think about it in these terms:
1. Unless you are psychic then you are uninformed of how the final picture will look.
2. Initially all pieces are scattered and everyone is unique just like people.
3. You can start with the easy pieces or the harder ones.
4. Teaches you to practice patience over a period of time.
5. Take a time out as you will become frustrated.
6. Stop trying repeatedly to fit a piece into an opening that you know is never going to fit.
7. Perhaps you need to separate from a piece, move on to another, and then come back when you can see more clearly.
8. Maybe the piece slightly fits then you attempt to reassure yourself that everything is functioning properly while knowing the “fit” does not actually fit.
9. Learn from your mistakes and try not to do the same things continually, even if you slip up a time or two.
10. Utilize another set of eyes belonging to a friend may prove to showcase their skills and techniques to teach you another way of solving a “problem”.
11. Never give up… Your completed puzzle may be just around the corner!
Let’s be real here, are you capable of traveling back into your past to make changes? Probably not…Well, not unless you are Michael J. Foxx in the movie “Back to the Future”. What has occurred can’t be changed. However, you have the power to simply let go and accept those choices. Regardless if you’ve made choices that haven’t served you, experienced hurtful events, or even settled for mediocrity, your past will never change but you can! It is time to set it out-of-the-way and not make it wrong, invalidate it or act like it never happened. We are simply unable to look at all the pieces of our lives presently and comprehend the important role that each of them plays, there are far too many holes and the picture is not clear. When your life’s journey ends, and that last piece is put into place, you will look back and realize why everything happened. No longer will you wonder why there was pain, why certain people came and went in your life. You will be able to see the completed picture and the beauty that went into every piece that made it whole. Don’t waste your valuable time or energy any longer on the past. Your past playbook is void and now you have a chance to play a new game; a better game, a more successful game to create the extraordinary life you deserve. Start focusing on changing your present and future TODAY!

Coaches Corner with Da-Nay Macklin
Self-Talk for Children: Conquer Stinking Thinking!
By: Da-Nay Macklin BS,CCLC

If you hear a voice within you saying, you are not a painter, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced. – Vincent Van Gogh

Some may ask; what is that little voice speaking yet so loudly?
The voice in your head is referred to as Self Talk. Self talk deals with the positive and negative communication that makes up our inner conversation of thoughts. As parents we have the opportunity to support our children in silencing the negative self-talk. We must encourage, instill, and continuously remind our children regarding the importance of positive self-talk. Without positive self-talk our children may resort to negative self talk, contributing to harsh questions or statements including but not limited to the following: I’m not smart enough to pass math class, I will never get a good score on the ACT test, or what college will accept these grades? Simply put, negative self talk is just stinking thinking! Stinking thinking results in low self esteem in return leading to social withdrawal, lack of social skills & self confidence, and being reluctant to take on challenges. The numbers are rather alarming regarding this long laundry list of unconstructive characteristics that stem from low self esteem. These three are specifically mentioned due to their critical nature to not only be taught earlier on but to understand their importance. Consider the importance of these skills in being critical for your child to successfully navigate not only in the classroom but for the rest of their lives.

What is your child thinking?
Did you realize that there are 86,400 seconds in a 24 hour day, & according to experts in Psychology humans have a different thought every 1.2 seconds? During the day, how is your child processing such rapid thoughts? Parents we must educate ourselves on the realities facing our children day-to-day. Most importantly we must equip our children to deal accordingly. Please allow the below to serve in encouraging and empowering you as a parent or care taker to utilize the below tools in equipping our children to go to war. The continuous war against stinking thinking! After implementing these tools the war to battle and conquer stinking thinking on your child’s mental playground will serve as valuable life skills.
Whether we care to admit it or not, as parents we lead by example in displaying negative or positive self talk. Which of the two are you consciously or sub-consciously promoting? Positive self talk can transform attitudes from hopelessness to hopeful! This transformation then fuels them by supplying the necessary level of determination & endurance. Reported studies have shown that more kid’s who repeat good things about themselves to themselves, followed by the actual belief of positive self talk then serves as a guide to automatically incorporate those positive feelings that go along with them. These tools serve as a powerful reminder of continuous optimism in place of negativity during unpleasant situations. From this day forward let us serve in a united crusade to conquer stinking thinking for your child and mine!

Five Steps to Conquer Stinking Thinking:

1. Observation & Acknowledgement –work on catching those negative comments your child periodically makes then ne sure to turn it into a positive experience revealing the false negative thought. For example, if your child misses a shot while playing basketball they may think, “I am so bad at basketball. I should just quit playing.” The child must learn to replace that negative with a positive like, “I may have missed the shot, but I will practice harder and next time I will make that shot.” Be mindful to acknowledge & remind them of your own personal observations such as, “I’m proud to see you taking the initiative to stay after school and practice your jump shot-Good Work!”

2. Self Awareness – Teach your child to hear themselves and recognize the importance of eliminating harsh words in their own minds. It then becomes about teaching the child self awareness and control too. For example, limit the use of unkind words like “I hate or I can’t” such unforgiving words invite more negative connotations than necessary into your child’s life. A mental alert then begins to alarm them at the onsite of their insensitive words to then pause and allow the “red light” to flash and immediately stop this behavior.

3. Hopeful vs. Hopeless (Perception) – “Is the glass half empty or half full?” Meaning that a particular situation could be cause to be Hopeful (half full) or Hopeless (half empty) in teaching them to look for the opportunity in every situation.

4. Positive Affirmations- positive self-affirming statements serve as an important self-empowerment tool. For example, “I love myself unconditionally” & “I feel good about myself and my surroundings” are just a couple to introduce to your child. Allow them to create their own with your guidance which serves to create a greater bond.

5. Adopt a Positive Attitude- is vital in a world ever-increasing in negativity and hopelessness. Adopting a positive attitude allows you & your child to focus on all the good life has to offer instead of dwelling on the negative. Parents can help children in developing positive attitudes on the road to facing obstacles as they grow up. A positive attitude is shaped and nourished through positive self talk. Teach your child to avoid saying, “I can’t” as this statement makes your child feel badly about themselves & worst of all inadequate. Instead adopt an attitude of I can which builds healthy self esteem and confidence and crushes the “I can’t” thoughts.

Positive self talk will not only help your child to embrace and love their individuality, at the same time, it allows them to accept and deal with the world happening around them. Enabling them to live a happier life by exuding their own power to control their inner voice provides a very liberating experience for both parent and child.

Good luck, and without a shadow of a doubt you can do this. You can do it because you are an amazing parent. And no one knows this better than you. Continue to practice positive self talk with your child throughout their life and remember to lead by example in all you do as we are more than a conqueror!

Our countries most valuable resource is our children – the leaders of tomorrow. As parents and members of society, it is our responsibility to safeguard our children. The best depiction of this is the African proverb “it takes a village to raise a child.” This article is intended to assist parents in arming their children with the tools necessary to decipher and protect

themselves from unsafe surroundings. We send our children off into the world with “trusted” individuals on a daily basis. Those trusted people may include the school bus driver, babysitter, neighbor, teacher, and our communities. It is our hope and expectation for their safe return home. Unfortunately many children go missing for a multitude of reasons. One reason being their lack of attention to their surroundings.

An alarming number of 797,500 children (younger than 18) were reported missing during a one-year period of time. Resulting in an average of 2,185 children being reported missing each day, according to The U.S. Department of Justice. Children of every age, gender, and race are vulnerable to child abduction. Abduction is less likely to occur by following these safety tips:

Home Safety: Children must know their full, legal name, parents full, legal name, home phone number and how to use the telephone. Children must have a trusted adult to call if they’re scared or have an emergency. Post your contact information where your children will see it (i.e., office phone number, cell phone, pager, etc). Also, be very selective in choosing a babysitter. Obtain references from family, friends, and neighbors. Once you have chosen the caregiver, drop in unexpectedly to see how your children are doing. Ask your children how the experience with the caregiver was, and listen carefully to their responses.

Neighborhood Safety: Create a list with your children of their neighborhood boundaries, choosing significant landmarks. Plus interact regularly with your neighbors. Tell your children whose homes they are allowed to visit. Do not drop your children off alone at malls, movie theatres, video arcades, or parks. From here, teach your children that adults should not approach children for help or directions. Bottom line, children should never go anywhere with anyone without getting your permission first.

School Safety: Be careful when you put your child’s name on clothing, backpacks, lunch boxes or bicycle license plates. If a child’s name is visible, it may put them on a “first name” basis with an abductor. Also walk the route to and from school with your children, pointing acceptable routes to school, using main roads and avoiding shortcuts or isolated areas. If your children take a bus, visit the bus stop with them and make sure they know which bus to take . And finally, every home and school should teach children about safety and protection measures. As a parent, we should teach our children that they can be assertive in order to protect themselves against abduction. Make your home a place of trust and support that fulfills your child’s needs.

Together, we the “village” can protect our countries children by teaching them to be smart, strong, and safe.